Today we have millions of monkeys and apes gracing our eyeholes and providing entertainment for us “higher” apes. They pick their nose, we laugh. They pick their butt, we all laugh when they smell it. Sometimes they steal our women and take them to the top of a tower to prove they are in love with them, even though we all know that it would never work (he is just too moody and she is too stuck up). Sometimes they just collect bananas and ride ostriches ( don’t get me started on the logistics of that), but I felt I needed to share my list of the top ten best Apes/Monkeys that have graced our screens and made us happy. Let’s get into the list, Troop.

10. Jack from MVP: Most Valuable Primate

You think they actually taught it to skate? That would be sick.

Look, I will admit this movie aged like a teenaged boy’s socks, but this damn chimp escapes from being a test subject and plays hockey, and as a sucker for anything hockey, I am sold right away. He is a damn hero ape learning sign language and becoming friends with the main characters sister, then learns how to play hockey. I want to live in this world where a junior hockey team is doing so bad a chimp shows up and everyone is ok with him playing on them team WITH TEENAGERS. IT’S A DAMN HOCKEY PLAYING CHIMPANZEE!

9. Clyde in Every which way but loose

Clyde was never afraid to tell you where to stick it.

This one is simple. Kicks ass and gets to hang with Clint Eastwood. Things I wish I could do.

8.. King Kong

Yes, this is the picture I chose. Deal with it.

This giant ape knows what he wants and will do anything to get it. Love is something we all can relate to and the story of King Kong is a love story no matter how you cook it. The tender hearted giant is thrown into a new world and of course reacts by destroying everything HE IS A GIANT APE. Just wanting to find his love and go home is all he needs but instead he is forced to be some type of sideshow act and in the end our own hubris kills him. Sure he smashed some cars and maybe killed some people but what do you expect a building sized gorilla to do? Also, he is friends with Godzilla sometimes and thats enough to make him alright in my book.

7. Donkey Kong

Didn’t he talk like just a normal person in this? The 90’s were whack.

Maybe inspired by his on screen cousin this donkey is no ass, he started his journey stealing a princess but ended up being her friend. This king not only has saved the jungle and fought a strange fat crocodile but has learned to drive gokarts, shoot a gun, ride various jungle animals. Sure sometimes he can be hard headed but he always means well, other than the kidnapping thing, He sure is the leader of the bunch.

6. Candy Kong

Donkey Kong was very plot heavy if you can’t tell.

This woman proves that even a big dumb ape can find love. Originally known for managing the save points in Donkey Kong Country she has become a consummate business woman. Running a multitude of business in the jungle and somehow still being able to afford clothes is proof enough she knows what she is doing and does it well. Always the banana of DK’s eye her femininity is a breath of fresh air in a world of apes in ties and surfer bro apes.

5. Saw using Orangutan

Laying down on the job?

This guy is out there proving it’s not just man that can find joy in their work. The way she figures out how to saw the shit out of that tree branches blows my mind. The moment when she blows the sawdust away to better cut the branch, WOW! We only got a couple more years until the apes take over and we are in cages. Even the laying down after a hard days work, I feel that in my soul.

4. Harry from Harry and the Hendersons

Why did Harry scare you, Joe?

I know you all probably thought I would put Bigfoot higher on my list but the honest truth is Harry kinda scares the crap out of me. This fish filet eating gentle giant found a way into my heart and kept me entertained just about every time I was “sick” (sorry dad) from school. Fun and heartwarming this movie may be but man sometimes when Harry smiles it gives me a panic attack.

3.  Bubbles

TELL US YOUR SECRETS.

Ok this one might be controversial because of the crowd Bubbles hung around with but this chimp is innocent. This dude got to see the world from the lap of luxury, from riding carnival rides all day to drinking tea with the mayor of Tokyo, he probably saw it all. Wait a second, if he saw it all, can a chimp be a witness in court? We gotta get this guy a lawyer I think.

2. Amy from Congo

DRINK, DRINK, DRINK.

From one smart ape to another, while she isnt going to bring apes up from the bottom to the top she is gonna have a good time. Equipped with a machine that translates her sign language into the funniest robot voice this ape knows what she wants and that’s another damn drink. Amy wants green drop drink? Amy needs green drop drink.

  1. Caesar from Planet of the Apes
Even a king has to carry his child.

Born to be a test lab ape and became a king. Caesar’s story is one of tenacity, he begins his life born to be pumped full of chemicals but eventually escapes and frees his brothers. Though smaller than some of his companions his intelligence is what made him a great leader, taking his troop from a small collection of lab animals to ruling the world. When all of mankind is falling apart he kept his people together in the worst of times. All hail King Caesar.